UNBRIDLED JOY

Paul Farwell

My shoes don’t fit. Tell that to Cooper and Cooper says no one cares about your shoes. I care. Born with bad feet. One shoe loose, the other tight. Damn. Can’t stand right. Can’t sit. Can’t go anywhere right. But explain that to Cooper. Cooper don’t listen. He look down at me. You have ugly shoes, he say. Too bad. 

Cooper talks to everybody. Everybody think Cooper funny. I don’t think. In the cafeteria, yesterday, supposed to be a special day. The woman from Billerica comes to tell us about the heart, what is close to the heart. Talks about what matters most. Talks Unbridled Joy to us. That’s what the sign in hallway says – Unbridled Joy, 2:30pm. Cafeteria. She has a green dress and black shoes. Cooper and others laugh. I turn around to the big table, say – Cooper, Please Shut Up! The woman is talking about the heart!

Cooper says – what you care? You need shoes, not a heart. 

His friends think this funny.

Woman from Billerica don’t laugh. Is something wrong? she say. Asks if she should come back another time. I say, no, no, no. I want to hear what you say. 

The world is big, she tell us. Time is short. You sure you want to hear? 

Yes, I say, I want to hear. I want Unbridled Joy. 

She has cheeks like tulips have petals.

She talks and Cooper talks. Cooper talks louder. Can’t stand it. I get up, go to the big round table where Cooper is. Put finger on my lip. SSSHHHHHHHHH!!!, I say. Why should I? he say. I have the right to talk. I say, no, Cooper. You shithead! SSSHHHHHHHHH!!! I want to hear the woman talk.

Supervisor comes. He tells me, Lester, use your words. But I use words. I say shithead. Shithead a word. Cooper is a shithead. 

Lester, supervisor says, not those words. Use good words. 

Shithead seems right to me. When I say shithead, I mean shithead. I mean Cooper.

Cooper laugh at me.

Supervisor puts hands on my hands. Says come with me. I say, no. Cooper still laughing. I pick up pepper shaker, throw it at Cooper. Bounce off head. He still laughs. Pepper shaker is like words. Words can bounce off someone’s head.

I never yell, never throw. Now I yell and throw. Lester, they say, you need to stay with yourself. Rest and be quiet. Tomorrow, Lester, you feel better. Tomorrow you go anywhere you want. You go anytime. Go to Brooklyn. Go to Buffalo, see your family. But you can’t go to cafeteria. And can’t throw pepper. 

I know problems. Can’t sleep. Walk around all night. My thoughts don’t fit my body. I think shoes. I think money. I know good money buys good shoes. The shoes that make my feet nimble. Good shoes. Light shoes. Shoes that make you forget you walk.

I have money once. My father brings me here on last day of school. He say to me, first we go to bank, get money for you. Write check. We bring check here to this Baxter House office with the wooden doors and smog glass. You have new home here, Lester. Father put check on counter. Baxter office take check, give us the paper. I remember the paper, white on top, pink on bottom. I sign the paper, father sign paper. They tear off white paper, give me pink copy. They say, Welcome!

They show me my room. My own room, none of my brothers wake me at night. They show me my bed. There, Lester, you sleep there. I put pink copy of paper in box under bed. The paper in yellow cardboard folder. Box still under bed. Pink paper no longer under the bed. I look for it. I still see the pink paper in my head. 

I sit on the bed in my room. Take off my shoes. Take off socks. Count my toes. All there.

Today I go to the Baxter House office. Ask them, Please – look again for the white paper. It has money. You have my money.

They call me Lester, sometimes Les, never by my born name, Leszek. Lester, they say, if we have you money, we tell you. But we have nobody’s money. Bank has the money. Ever phone call the bank, Lester?

No.

Ever write the bank?

No.

Well, Lester, don’t know what to say. Maybe you need to relax. You need a distraction.

Distraction?

You know, Lester – get a hobby. Put the mind on better thoughts.

They let me go to the library. I like woman who works at the desk. Mrs. Denise. She friendly, has white hair and arms like tree branches that sag.

I say to Mrs. Denise – you know about the woman in the cafeteria, the woman who talk about joy?

Mrs. Denise look at me like nervous cat. No, Lester, don’t know this woman. Tell me more.

She talk about Unbridled Joy, I say. Forever happiness. Do you have Unbridled Joy? I ask Mrs. Denise.

She says, hmmmmmm. Walks me along wall of books no one read. She stop, says here, how about this one? 

The Joy of Cooking.

Look at it. Old book. Plastic cover wrap. Fainted picture. Don’t want to be rude. Any other?

Hmmmmmm, she say. She walk to next wall. Stops. Picks out a book with picture of nice young woman in color dress and big shoes. 

The Joy of Folk Dancing.

Hmmmmmm, I tell her. 

She see my disappointment. Maybe we order from another library for you? she say.

No, no. Good enough, I say. I take book with me.

We a halfway house. They say in Baxter House we half the way there. We sit in circles. They go around circle, ask us where you want to be. Cooper, where you want to be? Cooper says he wants the money. Supervisor tells him, Cooper, money is not a place. What places do you want to go? Where you want to be? 

A place with rich people, Cooper says. Florida got rich golfers. Cooper wants golf. Wants the money. Cooper want it bad.

I sit with Malmo in the back. Malmo older than me. Malmo doesn’t like Cooper. The same way I don’t like Cooper. We sit on metal chairs that fold, look out the window at squirrels. Sometimes Malmo and I go out to the woods and feed the squirrels.

Malmo say to me in whisper – Lester, did you hear? I leave in two weeks. Wife wants me back. She sends money for bus to Cincinnati. Malmo says he can’t believe the wife want him back. 

You miss her? I ask.

I miss lawnmower, kids, having car and going to grocery store, he tell me. Maybe wife, too.

Malmo ask me – When you leave, Les? You been here longer than dried paint. You can get out of here, you know. No problem. Just tell the office you want to go.

He look out the big door that swing open. We look at woods and trees.

I tell Malmo about family in Buffalo. My mother say to me, Les, you got a good brain, you smart, but sometimes you get confused. You come home when you get no longer confused. My father has lungs that don’t breathe and mouth that say nothing good. Father say to me – Les, go get a job. Wheeze. Wheeze. I get a job. Father say, Les, go get a better job. Wheeze. Wheeze.

Malmo, I tell him, I leave when I have new shoes.

Malmo look at me funny, look at me doglike.

Les, he say, you talk a lot about shoes.

Yes, I say.

He look at me again.

Les, something wrong with you.

This is not the worst me. The worst me? You had to see me in a grocery store to believe it. Me. At seventeen. In the grocery store where they have every kind of shampoo, cereal flakes, tomato sauces. Many bottles of tomato sauces. Bottle, bottle, bottle. Too many bottles. Too much everything. I can’t stand it. I can’t explain.

I am better now.

Somebody knock on my door. Maybe, I think, the doctor who come to take my blood, tell me what’s wrong. But, no, it’s the woman in green dress from Billerica. She come with the nurse, look into my room. Today she wear purple sweater, tan slacks.

You Lester? she ask.

I surprised. Yes, I say. Why? I’m in trouble?

No, Lester, the nice woman say. You in no trouble. No trouble at all. The nurse tells me you ask about me, you want to know all about the heart.

I say nothing. Can’t believe woman from Billerica wants to see me. I sit on end of the bed, look at my shoes. Still ugly. Heavy. Have tomato soup stain on them. I pick up one shoe.

Those nice shoes, woman says. 

Oh? I say. I hate shoes. They ugly.

She smile. No, no, Lester. Shoes don’t matter. You matter. What in the heart matters. You are you. You are not you shoes.

Oh, I say. Doctor says I have problems. They take the tests.

She smiles. Doctor looks at different problems, Lester. I tell you about the heart. Spirit in the heart that brings joy.

Oh, yes. Unbridled Joy. I want that.

She look at floor, look up at ceiling for long time. She thinks. She say – Lester, I have a task for you. After I go, I want you to close eyes. Think about all wonderful things you know. You parents. You family dog. Then think about nothing at all.

Nothing? I say.

Yes, close the eyes. Think about nothing. Then you find Unbridled Joy inside you.

She leave. I lie on the bed. Close my eye. Think about family at home. Think about dog with three legs. Seabiscuit. Happy dog. Lazy dog. Think about nice woman in green dress. Think about the purple sweater and tan slacks. Feel good.

I try practicing what she tell me. Think about nothing. I try it. Not easy at all. Go to the library to see Mrs. Denise. Tell her about visit from the woman in purple sweater, tan slacks. I ask Mrs. Denise if she has book on Mindlessness.

Oh, she say. You mean meditation. Meditation and mindlessness.

Yes, I say, those please.

Maybe, Lester. I look for book for you. But you should go to the Baxter office. They have something for you. They have the letter for you.

Good, I think. Very good. I go to Baxter office and they look in drawer, in folders, in cabinet. Hand me the letter. From government, they say. I open it. A check for $33.27. To me. 

Is that all? Thirty three dollars?

And this, too, they say. They hand me the catalog. Catalog from a store. They say I must have ordered the catalog. I don’t remember. But I must have. Has my name.

I put government check for thirty three dollars into the catalog. I bring catalog back to my room. Beautiful catalog with shirts and jackets, socks, shoes, tall men, nice hair, woman have strong thighs. All nice to the eye. I lie on bed next to the lamp. I open the catalog. Think a long time about being in woods with nice shirt and nice shoes. Spring time. Nice breeze in woods. Smells like good dirt and pine cones. My mind says – good, Lester, good. Go there in the breeze, in the woods, in the nice shoes and shirt. Imagine it. Think about it and relax. Close my eyes. Think about goodness. Think about nothing at all. 

Good.

Good to have nothing. 

It make a mind quiet.

Les, they say. Les! Wake up!

Here I am. Outside, on grass by parking lot. Thick grass. Catalog next to me. I go asleep. 

Now Cooper stand above me.

What you do there, Les?

Practice, I say. I practice bliss.

Cooper frown at me. That make no sense, he say. Is this what they do in the country you from?

I feel lump of toad in back of throat. From sleep. From cold, maybe flu.

When I’m in my room, I fall asleep. I put my mind on the catalog. I think about tall men and women with strong thighs, shirt and shoes, and I fall sleep. So I go outside and sit on the grass. I have the catalog open in lap. I fall asleep. Don’t want to explain to Cooper.

You don’t understand me, Cooper, I say. 

Cooper stand over me, look down.

Les, you idiot.

I say, Go away.

Only idiots lie on the grass, he tell me. 

I feel angry lump in the throat, remember what my father tells me – Les, don’t keep the sick lump inside. Let it out.

You stay here forever, Cooper say to me. You like a weed, Les. A weed don’t care where it grow. 

No, Cooper, I tell him. A weed got no arms. I got arms. Weed got no legs. I got legs. I walk right down that street.

Never, Cooper say. You never leave Baxter House. You worse than weeds. Weeds don’t cost anything. You cost other people. You cost to be here. You a waste.

I spit out my lump. It fly like the fate and land on Cooper shirt. I yell. Don’t know what I say. But I yell.

I see my glob on Cooper shirt, shine in sunshine.

I hear supervisor tell me – Lester, get in here. Now.

Doctor come to my room with nurse and small bottles. They come to take the bloods.

Dr. Earl Nominal, the name stitched on his shirt. Dr. Earl, I tell him – what wrong with me? Why I do these things?

He tells me, Lester, you have a problem. 

Oh? I say.

You a person.

Why that a problem?

Because you have bad bloods. You have stones in your bloods. We take more tests. You have condition lot of people have. People disease.

I don’t understand, I tell him.

Stones in blood go to the head, make you do bad things. Not you fault. Just nature in you.

Stones in streets, stones in shoes. Now stones in my blood and in my head.

I hate stones, I say. I want to sue. Get rid of the stones. Get my money back.

No, Lester, Dr. Earl say. It not like that. Can’t sue the stones. No court hears you case. Stones is nature.

Then I sue nature, I tell him.

No, Lester. Nature is nature. Can’t do anything about it.

Well, Dr. Earl. If I can’t have good blood then I want Unbridled Joy.

Unbridled joy? What that? he ask me.

What the woman tells us in the cafeteria. You know, good thoughts and peace and easiness.

Oh, he say and make the face like Malmo eating vegetable stew. Unbridled Joy, Lester, these is just words. You know, a word and then another word, like piece of string ties together. Unbridle is word. Joy, a word. Word. Word. Word. Dr. Earl dances hands in air. Together you have more words.

Oh?

Sure, he tell me. Horses have bridles. Joy has no bridle. You see – just words.

Dr. Earl, I say. I like those words. I like the woman from Billerica. I like her words. She has the face of a birthday cake.

Dr. Earl laughs like Cooper but not like Cooper. You funny, he says. You don’t worry about those words. We find problem in you bloods. You not worry at all. Rest and sleep. Eat well. Tomorrow you better.

No one know anything.  

Don’t want to be rude, Dr. Earl, I say. See you later.

I have money, not much money. Thirty three dollars. I have the money for sandals. In the catalog, they say these sandals good in the water. Water shoes. Can bring them to the beach. Walk in water. Walk in mud. Makes me want to have children, take them to the sea. Walk on grass at low tide. Walk way out. You walk for mile on grass like flax sweater. With you child. The child you made. You and you.

Sandals of mesh. Bird feather mesh. Swiftflite they called these sandals. Only twenty two dollars. Shipping free. I want them. They need me. 

I buy them.

Malmo leaves tomorrow and the woman from Billerica come today. We meet her in the library. She glad to see us. She bring the special bell with her. We sit with feet flat on floor, backs straight, because she tells us to. Focus on the flow. Focus on the bell. Focus on the thing that matters. I relaxed. The bell ring.

The woman look at the clock, say our time is up. She say her time up. Her contract at Baxter House run out. No more visits. Government don’t want to pay for Unbridled Joy. Too expensive. We must practice without her. She want all us to sit and practice. Close eyes. Hold it in you mind for ten minutes. See the good inside you. Then she leave.

I close my eyes. I think about the hallway. I think about running in Baxter House hallway. Run in my mind. Running not easy for me. But in my mind I run.

Open my eyes. See my shoes. See my feet on floor. See only Malmo in the library with me. 

I say – Malmo what you think about? 

I think about sitting in backyard, he say, beer in hand, lawn chair, summer day, just cut grass, chuck flank on grill.

You like chuck flank, he ask me?

Never had, I say.

Malmo tell me – Les, you come out to visit us in Cincinnati. We got a cot in garage. You stay with us.

I think about it.

Malmo, Ever had a thought jump on you?

What you mean?

Ever run?

Malmo scratch head. Run? You mean like run a race? No, not for long time.

Ah, I tell him, when I was a kid I run before I walk. Hard for me to learn to walk. I sit on floor, push my hands and slide on my behind. Other kids walk. I slide. Then one day I remember running. Mother say – Leszek, you never walk, you run. Soon as you able, you run. You gallop everywhere like a drunk pony. It true. I remember running to school. Kids ask me – Les, why you run? I say, because I can’t walk.

Malmo look me up and down. He say, Les, I hope the world is good to you. 

What that mean? I ask.

I mean, you need to be gone from this place.

Sandals come in plastic bag inside box. Now I open them. They look not exactly like I think. Big straps. The big toes. Good for sea water, I guess.

Try them on. Jump up and down. Do it again. Light. They feel amazing. I open my door. Go into hallway. I walk. Fast walk. Feel good. I see Mr. Levinson at the front desk. He say, Lester, where you going? I tell him I go out for run. I am running to Buffalo. See you later!

Thursday. Day for laundry. Day for the clean up. Not for me.

They have cars in street. Bridge over harbor. I see it from here. Tall bridge with cables. They build it after I came here. Other side has sea water and wind, houses on hills. 

Look down at the new sandals. Sometimes you need things to run away from things.

I can’t explain.

I run on the road. Hear cars. I remember when they drive me here, point out car window. Leszek, you see that building? Baxter House building. They help you. They know every people disease. You better here. You better here than with us, you family.

I want a house. It has grill and grass and the garage like Malmo have. Or just a house. I want a kid, a son, like me. I want the house with son inside.

I see sign that say Northbound.

I see the cable bridge over harbor and wonder how it stay up.

I feel sandals pinch. Of course, they pinch. They new sandals. It cool outside. It sunny outside. I huff my breath. I feel light inside the head. I like it. Cars on road. Honk horns. Honk at me. I run.

I like it.

I hear lightness.

I feel joy.